I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
