good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
