my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
