I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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