Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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