She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My vagina is officially offended.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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