Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
