So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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