i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
