Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
