Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
