i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
