____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
