mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
