I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
