Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
