He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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