somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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