My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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