It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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