U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm way too hungover for life right now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
