The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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