I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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