who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
