remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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