I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
