OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ketchup is God's man juice
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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