He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
then he tried to convert me to islam
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize