Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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