Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i think i just lost a toe
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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