I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
