When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
