On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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