i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Pooping to opera.
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