You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
