We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
