one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize