i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
