This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
