my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize