I'm so fucking centered right now
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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