If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
please come you make the beer taste better
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
