Having a random hookup so left but love u
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
