I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize