I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
