bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I pour the whiskey from now on
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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