remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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