The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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