foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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