so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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