i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
