and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
