My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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