i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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