I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
