my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
