the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
