how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
