I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
